unicidades

O que foi o mundo antes de ti. Espera. O que e o mundo depois de ti? Ainda nao sei. Sento-me na beira do mar e respiro o mundo. Pesado. Engulo os sofregantes sonhos. Me desertaste, e eu ao-mar. Maos cheias de amor a tua espera. Recolhida no dourado do sol que me enxerga. Maresia alta. Frangrancia de umidade quente. Brisa. A companhia do passaro que tem por lema apenas estar e partir. O mundo de antes, que perdi, era feito de significados. Deixo essa vida de significados para tras. Minha lucidez agora me banha de sal e remorsos. Ah, se eu tivesse estendido-te a mao no dia em que partiste. Se talvez eu tivesse gritado a ferocidade da minha raiva e minha dor. Quem sabe? Quem sabe meu mundo agora fosse outro. Esfera de fogo. Arabesques de titaneo moldado pela tua forca.

I lost my father. Years ago. When somehow we got distanced and disconnected from each other. My mom used to say my dad and I had very similar personalities and that's why we didn't get along. I wonder if she used to say that because of my brother (the favorite). I guess she wanted my brother to be like her. I lost my father in the complicated life of adults. It was things here and there and then one day it was something that felt like a nuclear war. I was 11 years old at the time and that was, perhaps, the first step towards an awkward and feeble relationship between a father and a daughter.  It seems like our silence was our small war. We talked through my mom. I went to college and our distance seemed to grow larger. At the same time, I developed some of the same likes my dad had. I was into architecture, punctuality, music, nature. Reading and writing. There was an external calm within me that was a mirror imagine of that man I learned to be distanced from.  I am ...

Life is simple. Or is it? It's cold out today My heart trembles The blue in drops shatters my hope I feel the cut The tears burn it River of pain bridge of light Hands that shrink His eyes still Photograph I cannot bear to look at Life in black in white We are running out of time not now, I tell myself It's not now that we are running out of time We ran out of time years ago We ran out of time when you did not find inside of you The Seed of Love.

If I were to communicate with you, I would just tell you that so many things cross my mind when I think of you. You are the still image of an era. The black and white portrait on the wall. The source of restless nights and forgotten dreams. The chaos that inhabits the lands of me. Impossible to define you and what you are. Fragments of thoughts diffuse into my day to day life. Memories of us. The music that surrounded our epigraph. Dam my memory, capable of forgetting what just happened and yet, drenched into the memory of you. If I told you that you broke my soul and my heart that would make you feel good. You see, I end up feeling I always lose with you.  Can't make up my mind, if you do it on purpose. Silent witness of the discomfort and suffering of others. A mere victim of your own past? A product of unloving parents. The conflicted father. The abusive and drug dependent mother.  I check my email sometimes and I expect to see your name.  I heard you moved...

Life is different and better now. I come from a place of peace and comfort. I have in my hands new books with information that has changed my life. I feel healthy and strong again. G-d has spoken to me. I went jogging a couple of weeks ago, asthma free... No inhalers. And I got a message from G-d that my mission in life is to educate people and to study nutrition. It goes along with being a librarian. It goes along with my Brazilian life and it goes along with my principles and what I believe in. Life is smiling at me. After 40 years of being chronically ill and asthmatic, I am symptom free and I feel like I can conquer the world. My reference book will always be Healing Foods by Anthony William.  The more I read the more I like his style, his recipes, his explanations. He explains it in a simple way. He allows you to improvise. He is a generous person. He gives and shares. He is helping so many people. I have compiled a list of resources and I am reading a lot, but ever...

The house is empty. It's sunny out and the sky is blue. Perfect silence upon us. Hands together. The perfect warmth of your body in mine. Don't let me go or vanish from your life. I have grown. I turned 40 this past February. I remember how hungry I used to be - hungry, thirsty for life that is. Now I have seen more. It's been over ten years that I started living. Living with color and grace. 10 years of Tango dancing - on and off. Heart permitting. I am reading the Motivation Manifesto. It is helping me brew a very intrinsic desire I always have had. I am still interested in writing. That has been my favorite activity for a long time. Along with Music, Dancing and Reading. Got familiar with the work of Dr. Nuland recently. Amazing writer. Life gets tiring sometimes.

I didn't know. I didn't care. I don't want to know. I just want to move on. Because everything hurts right now. The silence, the words, the dreams, things that we didn't do or say. Things that would have sounded good good, things that would've been ok to say. The great nights that were all evaporated into something that was more imagined than lived. I do remember the laughter in that place where we used to meet for coffee and poetry. I remember the colors of those days and the words I invented to define what I was when I was holding you. I used to like so many things about you. And now time has created a new you and a new me. I'm taking a boat. I want to see what's like on the other side. Olivia wasn't who you thought she was. She waves at you from a distance. Distance is all she asks. And she looks and looks. Because she has herself. She doesn't borrow things from people because she knows they will leave her and take things back. So she learns...