unicidades

I've had so far three sessions with my new therapist. She's a humanist therapist from Mexico and I am seeing her once a week. So far, we're trying to integrate what my mind sees with the things I feel. In the first session, we talked about that. How to find  the necessary balance to live with the two - mind and heart - in harmony. At this moment, in my head I know that Mr. KGB is not good for me. My heart grew accustomed to him. That's why I am suffering. My heart knows I can't have him as a partner in crime, but it still bleeds. If I go back to having him, my mind is going to go crazy and the heart is not going to be happy anyway. Once my mind gets agitated and doesn't understand things, the heart starts shrinking. It gets sad, sad, sad. No happiness for me where there's no peace of mind. I project your image. Wherever I go. I sit down and I see you walking towards me. I see you coming over. I see you moving your happy feet around me and hugging me. I...

If we look around there are so many things that are based on trust. I trust my neighbor, I trust the drivers on the highway, I trust my co-workers. I have to trust my family members. So many small things are solely based on trust. I have to trust myself in such small ways. Trust is therefore one of the most important aspects of life. That's a major link that leads to happiness.

Elephants by Rachael Yagamata.

I wish I had kept my eyes open during the night to watch you sleeping. Because now I can remember the touch, but I can't feel the image . And sleeping with you seemed like heaven. Just like our tangos. We moved together and your skin was soft and warm.

Pela primeira vez em muito, muito tempo o silencio e a melhor companhia. Estou curtindo muito ficar em silencio e desligar o radio. E nao escutar os sons da rua, do telefone, dos gritos dos outros. Me faz bem estar a sos e em silencio.

Sunday Afternoon by Rachael Yamagata. I know it's the right thing to do, but the right thing to do hurts like crazy. I see your presence in my apartment. I see ghosts of you. Messages that I don't want to read. It hit me hard this time. Tuesday morning, I am sitting by the window. It rains. I feel guilty and the wind blows slowly drops of blood. Maybe that's a sign. Someone said: if you like him that much, fight for him. I fought for you. I had you in my hands. I gave you so many opportunities. I gave you so much more than you deserved. It's getting cold. You slapped my face. I cried in your arms. I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't talk anymore. My projects are on hold. I can barely work. I write and I write and the pain doesn't go away.

Missing him like crazy. Why? Why do you miss someone who is not good for you? I should be celebrating my freedom. Taking care of myself and loving myself. What am I doing? I am beating myself up. I am crying and thinking of him. Why?

Me pergunto em qual dessas noites tera sido. Um ciclo todo vivido em alguns meses. Cinco semanas. Faz pouco me dizias que havias sonhado em estar assim. Ter uma vida mais estabilizada e viver um grande amor. Mas tuas palavras eram secas. Folhas de um inverno lento e distante. Estavamos perto da praia, a poucos minutos de realizar o sonho de nadar de madrugada no Atlantico. E o Atlantico nos acolheu tranquilo e morno. Com silencio e certeza.

Dessa vez nao perdi apenas um namorado. Perdi a esperanca por completo. Perdi a esperanca na vida.

Perdi.

Com a situacao real de me sentir desprotegida, perdida e sozinha. Lidando com as duvidas de ser mulher. Ainda que eu lute pela igualdade entre homens e mulheres, sinto que estaremos sempre em situacao desfavoravel. Sim, temos oportunidades de trabalho, nao temos que ficar em casa, podemos se queremos procriar ou nao, com quem queremos nos envolver fisicamente, mas no fim das contas os homens sempre levam vantagem. A dor, a dor do parto, a dor de perder um filho, a dor de tirar um filho, a dor de ver um filho sofrendo e sempre da mulher. O homem, ao meu ver, e sempre coadjuvante. Vejo beleza nisso? Nao, nao vejo. Me incomoda a desigualdade, a injustica. Essa inabalavel frieza que os homens demonstram ao fazer o que e melhor para eles. Eu nao nasci com o gene do amor a familia e aos filhos e ao servico domestico. Nao nasci com essa predisposicao a ser mae e ser mae-sacrificio. Nao vejo beleza nisso, vejo burrice. Nao vejo as compensacoes de ser mae tempo completo e ir ao trabalho e vol...

So mesmo estando diante de uma situacao concreta para poder saber como se sente na hora de decidir. E bom discutir, argumentar, mas na hora h o que conta mesmo sao os fatos. Queimei a lingua e nao fazia a menor ideia de como seria tomar esta decisao. Sempre fui valente e pensei que saberia como agir. Mas as circunstancias me mostraram que o buraco e mais embaixo.