New Therapist and You

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I've had so far three sessions with my new therapist. She's a humanist therapist from Mexico and I am seeing her once a week. So far, we're trying to integrate what my mind sees with the things I feel.

In the first session, we talked about that. How to find  the necessary balance to live with the two - mind and heart - in harmony. At this moment, in my head I know that Mr. KGB is not good for me. My heart grew accustomed to him. That's why I am suffering. My heart knows I can't have him as a partner in crime, but it still bleeds. If I go back to having him, my mind is going to go crazy and the heart is not going to be happy anyway. Once my mind gets agitated and doesn't understand things, the heart starts shrinking. It gets sad, sad, sad. No happiness for me where there's no peace of mind.

I project your image. Wherever I go. I sit down and I see you walking towards me. I see you coming over. I see you moving your happy feet around me and hugging me.

I walk over knives and the complexities of being so alive. So intense. Maybe feelings do lead us astray. But weren't my feelings that attracted me to you in the first place?

It seems like we tried several things. We tried being friends and lovers. We tried being dance partners. We tried being just lovers. We tried being just friends. We tried being enemies. We tried being acquaintances. We tried being indifferent.We tried being social and tried staying at home.

At end of the day, it felt like I was trying loving you too hard. No, that's not true. That's too black and white for you. I tried too hard to accept your way of loving me and that caused me to distance myself from you.

We could never be.

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