Running in Circles

-


When music hits my soul. Inevitably. You are here with me and a tear drops. I'm not sure what happened to the walls. The wind is blowing and my face burns. I read your words. Your riddles. I went silent. Shocked perhaps by the audacity. It was a surprise. 

I have my own riddles. This. I have known this song for more than thirty years. It always touched me. Now I know why. Now that I understand the words. It makes sense. Imagine not having that love anymore. 

I have sounds to keep me company, like this one and this one. Pay close attention to the words. 

It seems like we always run in circles, doesn't it? 

And no, I don't want to drop you a note. Have you become single recently? Are you in town? Are you going to give me an ultimatum like the last time? 

Things have changed. I am tired. I am exhausted. I have no energy for games. Never have, but now. Now things are different. Time does weigh into the equation. Now that runs so deep. I do carry you in the heavy stone my heart has turned. A broken stone. 

I remember the dates, the scenes. The words and how far away we were from being a couple. 

I wonder, did I disgust you? Because I know you didn't respect me. I wonder why. Was it because you had my heart in your hands?

As you can see, I am still asking the same questions seven years later. Still running in circles, but I am so, so far away. 

Comments

  1. Anonymous9:40 PM

    I want to start by saying that you are wrong about me respecting you. And no, you didn't disgust me; the opposite is true, and deep down inside you know it's true.

    I know you're tired. I'm not sure if it's you or if it's me causing it, but I am going through the same feeling of fading away in this lifetime.

    Yes we are very far away from each other, but at least I'm back in America for a while. I'll return to Asia when I can, probably in January for Tet for a quick trip to enjoy my home there. Then I'll be back here for the next 6-7 years to rebuild and prepare for retirement. I still have things I want to accomplish and more good to do to help others. It takes money, so that means keeping working and occasionally trading my dress clothes for orange shirts. haha

    I am very proud of you in every way. I wish I could turn time back and change the events that led to our demise, but there is always a reason for everything. The Universe knows the reasons and the rhythms of fate and destiny. In the end, we will know the truth and the reasons of our hard lessons.

    BTW, I finally returned to Arkansas to visit the family graves for the first time since we went together 7 years ago. I no longer blame myself for my sisters suicide; I figured out why she did it. She was saving her children and husband from seeing and experiencing the same nightmare we endured with our father. She didn't tell anyone, but I'm positive she developed brain cancer like my father and grandmother.

    Thank you for being my rock when I had to face that. I'm sorry I cracked afterwards. All these years I've blamed myself for not saving her. Now I know I couldn't have stopped her. She was telling me good-bye. I just didn't see it before.

    I want you to know I'm sorry. I wish I could take away the pain and misery, but I can only tell you that I still check this page because we will always be connected.

    143

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To Someone

-
Image
The architecture of the city is plural and restless. Your voice comes and goes. The sky was pale blue today. White here and there. Clouds. Whispers.  Our dialog is more vivid now. I still see how intense your eyes are. You come and go from me. But I know you never really leave. At least, that is the illusion that keeps me - going? I see patterns. They make sense. Like you made sense a while ago. I can't reason with Love, can I? Love, this palpable, irrational measurement of attachment and desire.  I don't know if you are the same anymore. The same I knew.  Did I ever know you? It doesn't matter because you fit like a symptom fits a disease. You fit my fantasy. My fantasy was so concrete and so tangible. I play us in my head. If I had. If you had. But history doesn't rewrite itself.  I can't walk down the street to try and find you.   Unchanged sea. Under the same sheltering sky. I love you.
Read more

Writing

-
Unresolved pain. Nostalgia. Fire. Vivid dreams at night. Immense love.  I read the other day something an old friend once told me. Go back to what you were good at when you were a child. That's where your natural talent is. I go back, and so many things come up. So many interests. Infinite curiosity. I loved words when I was a child. But I also loved animals and nature. I also loved music and poetry. The beach made me go without sleep. I also loved to dance. I remember attracting people's comments while dancing at parties. Not because I was good but because I did my own thing.  I also liked cooking and baking from an early age. Books were also my private world.  But who am I now, forty years later?  I listen to Riccardo Cocciante, and my heart fills with raw emotion. How can someone be so good and write the most beautiful songs? I need to understand Italian better, but what I know and feel with his songs is beyond anything material.  The power of art has to move...
Read more

Letting you go

-
Sunday Afternoon by Rachael Yamagata. I know it's the right thing to do, but the right thing to do hurts like crazy. I see your presence in my apartment. I see ghosts of you. Messages that I don't want to read. It hit me hard this time. Tuesday morning, I am sitting by the window. It rains. I feel guilty and the wind blows slowly drops of blood. Maybe that's a sign. Someone said: if you like him that much, fight for him. I fought for you. I had you in my hands. I gave you so many opportunities. I gave you so much more than you deserved. It's getting cold. You slapped my face. I cried in your arms. I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't talk anymore. My projects are on hold. I can barely work. I write and I write and the pain doesn't go away.
Read more