Smiling

-
It was Thursday night. I told myself I should go out and try to have fun. I didn't really feel like going out by myself, but I am so used to it. Time has taught me that if I want to have fun or entertain myself, I should find no excuses. I love going out, I pondered. In my internal dialog, I also wanted to fight an imaginary demon. How to attend a milonga again?
I thought that if worse came to worse, I could simply leave.
I fought all the excuses possible. I became pensive. Then I decided to go no matter what.
Just like that. Impulse?!?! Well...ok. Sort of.
I was able to attend the last part of the class. I talked to the teacher and she was very nice. I've met a lot of people, danced a great deal and the music was excellent. I learned so much. I did feel nostalgic, I cannot deny it. A couple of songs almost made me cry.
People said beautiful things about me to me, my dancing, my looks, and my smile. It was nice to start from scratch.
I even danced salsa and felt lost, but I didn't feel any pressure.
I left when I felt like leaving, especially because I was going to go somewhere else. At that other place people made me laugh with their comments and they also commented on the fact that I should smile more. I always take these "shoulds" with a grain of salt, though. Who goes around smiling like they're on drugs? I smile when I feel like it. I grant my smile to people I like and love. I am proud to say that most of the time my smiles are genuine. I don't like Pan-American smiles at all. Not even receiving those.
I had a great time on Thursday night. I did things at my own pace and I felt great being on my own. I am starting to appreciate that I don't follow trends and that's ok.
I celebrate the fact that I am who I am. And for that reason I smile.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To Someone

-
Image
The architecture of the city is plural and restless. Your voice comes and goes. The sky was pale blue today. White here and there. Clouds. Whispers.  Our dialog is more vivid now. I still see how intense your eyes are. You come and go from me. But I know you never really leave. At least, that is the illusion that keeps me - going? I see patterns. They make sense. Like you made sense a while ago. I can't reason with Love, can I? Love, this palpable, irrational measurement of attachment and desire.  I don't know if you are the same anymore. The same I knew.  Did I ever know you? It doesn't matter because you fit like a symptom fits a disease. You fit my fantasy. My fantasy was so concrete and so tangible. I play us in my head. If I had. If you had. But history doesn't rewrite itself.  I can't walk down the street to try and find you.   Unchanged sea. Under the same sheltering sky. I love you.
Read more

Writing

-
Unresolved pain. Nostalgia. Fire. Vivid dreams at night. Immense love.  I read the other day something an old friend once told me. Go back to what you were good at when you were a child. That's where your natural talent is. I go back, and so many things come up. So many interests. Infinite curiosity. I loved words when I was a child. But I also loved animals and nature. I also loved music and poetry. The beach made me go without sleep. I also loved to dance. I remember attracting people's comments while dancing at parties. Not because I was good but because I did my own thing.  I also liked cooking and baking from an early age. Books were also my private world.  But who am I now, forty years later?  I listen to Riccardo Cocciante, and my heart fills with raw emotion. How can someone be so good and write the most beautiful songs? I need to understand Italian better, but what I know and feel with his songs is beyond anything material.  The power of art has to move...
Read more

Letting you go

-
Sunday Afternoon by Rachael Yamagata. I know it's the right thing to do, but the right thing to do hurts like crazy. I see your presence in my apartment. I see ghosts of you. Messages that I don't want to read. It hit me hard this time. Tuesday morning, I am sitting by the window. It rains. I feel guilty and the wind blows slowly drops of blood. Maybe that's a sign. Someone said: if you like him that much, fight for him. I fought for you. I had you in my hands. I gave you so many opportunities. I gave you so much more than you deserved. It's getting cold. You slapped my face. I cried in your arms. I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't talk anymore. My projects are on hold. I can barely work. I write and I write and the pain doesn't go away.
Read more