Hubris Manifested

A long time ago, I was reading one of my favorite blogs on the internet, and the author posted something like: Hubris is manifested through pretension. One of the things about this particular blog that I love is that it makes me think. At that point, I had posted something on my blog about believing a man who tells you he doesn't have anything to offer.

I immediately made a mental connection between his words and how I sounded. Did I sound arrogant? Was I being pretentious? Was I manifesting this Porteno side of myself?

The truth of the matter is that, the man in question - the ex, the one I was referring to, does not have anything to offer me. I, once again, ignored the red flags and gave it a shot. Just to clarify it: if a man says that he is not interested in a serious relationship, also believe him. If a man is narcissistic and puts dancing before all the rest or sex before anything else (to the point he would cheat on his wife or the person he lives with), believe me, you will come second or third. It's inevitable. It's only logical. 

Why do I bring this up? Several reasons. Back in May, I broke up with the guy I was seeing. After ignoring several red flags and hearing from him that he had nothing to offer me, he started acting very weird. He would not talk to me on the phone as often, he would not answer my text messages, he stood me up and iabricated  a big lie to cover it up,  he lied to me several times, he ignored my e-mails. I thought  all of that was so bizarre because his words (that he "loved me") didn't  match his behavior at all. On a Saturday night, when we were ready to leave for a milonga, I went to the restroom and I saw his cell phone in there (he is one of those weird people who need to have their cell phone in the bathroom when they are doing their number one and two business). So I decided to check his messages. And sure thing: I didn't like what I saw. Besides his texts to his legal wife, he was also texting this crush of his from his past. He was asking her if she was going to be on a particular tango class. Let me tell you, I wasn't surprised at all. I knew he was up to something. I knew what I was getting myself into. I got out of the restroom, grabbed my things and had to control myself not to slap his face. 

You might be thinking: what's wrong with texting a friend, right? Right. I have friends too, both females and males. I have friends from my past who I've gone out with and they became just good friends. We are still communicating. That has never been a problem between the guy I was dating and myself and if that were a problem for him, I wouldn't give him any reasons to doubt me. But somehow if you're dating your tango partner and you've been practicing for three, four hours every other day, do you really see the need to call/text somebody else to go a class with you? Someone you had been interested in dating in the past, someone who rejected you? Someone you had practiced with before and you had said you were liking her more and more and you wanted to have a long term relationship with that person? So you really want to do that if you are in love? Would you really do that? I guess my then boyfriend didn't see a problem with that, but I did.

It turns out I broke up with him. I was fed up by the danger of him cheating - since that was the reason he was separated when I met him, it seemed like a huge red flag to me.  I was also fed-up with  the excuses and the lies. That happened on a Saturday night. The very next day, he went to a milonga. The very next day I went to a milonga. He went to a milonga where she was. I went to a milonga where I met someone I am going to call here the G-Guy. The G-Guy and I danced so well. Later that week, the G-Guy told me he had seen my then boyfriend - ex-boyfriend - at a class and he didn't seem unhappy at all. I thought the G-Guy was biased. I felt he liked me. So, I didn't give him full credit. Also, how come if you don't know someone, how can you know exactly what they are feeling? Those were the things I was wondering at the time.  

At any rate, to make a long story short, my ex-boyfriend danced with that girl at the milonga and last night, by semi-accident I found a photo of the two. Why am I consumed by anger and sadness if I know he doesn't deserve me? 

Maybe it's because seeing the photo, I realize how little he respected me, the relationship and he felt nothing. How he lied and always came back for more. He was probably lying about his professed love. So, I broke up with him because of his interest in this chick and he goes directly to her arms? He has no pride? No self-respect? No nothing? At any rate, I knew I could NOT trust him. I always thought our tango was special. That was a lie too. If my G-Guy friend is right and tango doesn't lie, then what our tango was telling me was that I had to chase my ex- for his love. Funny thing is,  I was always telling him to dance with other people, but in front of me he wouldn't do it. I wonder why. I have so many questions. I feel so hurt.
 

Why do I still care? For some reason, it's been very difficult to move on. Maybe because every time we got back together the fights were so intense and then so many things happened after. Somehow with this relationship, I feel complete exhaustion and defeat. I guess my point is: even knowing that he had nothing to offer, it still hurts. The words he said were cheap. Why am I posting this here? I don't know. I guess this is my poison letter. I am getting you out of my system. I tried to protect myself several times and I failed. Now, I do know I have to face solitude because I don't trust anybody anymore. I don't trust the idea of love, I don't trust relationships. I don't trust anything. I am not in love with the idea of love anymore. Love is just another lie we buy into.

I wasn't manifesting hubris, my dear friend. I was manifesting my desire for more than nothing. I was reassuring my heart that I have to learn how to trust my gut feelings. If a man plays the sad one, if he wears a mask, the one who needs you, just run. And if he tells you he doesn't have anything to offer, don't expect anything. He knows what he's talking about.