Impressions and how things are made

I feel sometimes like I am watching a movie when I am actually not watching one. I went to see my (I hadn't seen her in months) friend Y. yesterday. Her little dog C. was so happy to see me. I was then talking to Y. as we were catching up on our lives and I was observing her, the way she talks, cooks, takes care of her child and I really felt like I was watching a movie. It was weird to be part of that family oriented scene and yet don't feel anything. She was telling me about the hard work moms endure. I asked her if it was harder than what she has imagined and she replied with a very humble and sincere yes. According to her, motherhood is harder than what she had imagined it would be.

Then, I have these moments of pure insight. I am either walking on the street, cooking, or just staying at home with Edwin and I have these pure insights that come out of nowhere. Last night, I went to Las Olas Blvd. with one of my friends and as we walked, I was feeling some kind of death inside and outside of me. It was a very surreal experience. There was this feeling of not belonging. There was also a feeling of slow recognition, recollection, and memories. Each place holds some sort of memory about someone or something that I have known or done, but still there was this death feeling very present.

I was also observing and intrigued by the entertainment that is empty of meaning and not authentic at all, which made me feel like leaving immediately. As time goes by and I age to the solitude of a mere loner, I am becoming more sensitive to the energy of certain places. I was looking at these things I will never be able to afford, clothes that I will never wear, people I will never meet, and restaurants I will never go to, silky underwear I will never even touch, shoes that will never be in a box in my closet. And yet, all of those memories of things were clustered in my brain, flashing through my mind rapidly as if I were seeing lights all over, coming from different directions.

I contrasted those people with the people in the movie I had just watched. I contrasted my needs with their needs. I contrasted their life styles with my own. The movie was excellent and I had all these ideas about equality fresh on my mind. As I saw the preppy boys looking at me like I was some kind of souvenir, I couldn't stop thinking about the British women who struggled to change the status quo. What are people, after all, made of? I also thought about how different the women in the movie looked and how they also acted differently. While in real life the women I saw all looked alike and acted alike, I couldn't help but wonder how privileged some of us really are.