Where to now?

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As I sit here in this office that is gray and noisy, I press the repeat button on a song that means so much to me. All my life I knew where I was going to and who I was going to be. I was going to be a professional. I was going to be independent. I was going to be someone. And that way, without knowing who I really was, I ventured into becoming. I didn't walk a straight line. I fell many times. Success as we imagine it or how we see around it around of us, was never reached by me. I am not famous. I am not popular. I am not rich. I felt stuck for a long time. 

Right here, in this precise moment, I realize that even though I was searching and searching for better ways to live, I missed out who I was. It's this way I have of not making a big deal out of anything. I take myself for granted. I am honest. Big deal. Everybody should be honest. I am a good person, big deal. Everybody should be a good person. No need to reward myself. 

How can I blame you for not seeing me? I don't see myself either. Where's my essence anymore? I am an orphan and that weighs on me. The silence is immense. 

I am going to get a degree in Human Nutrition. This time around I am doing it for myself. I don't know if it's going to lead anywhere. And it's doesn't really matter. And maybe it doesn't matter because it will be a second career or because I know what I am going to do. It's just a certainty. It's just there. I don't have to think about it. 

I am slowly burning inside 
So many suns embracing me 
And yet, we lie awake. 
Waves coming at us 
dissipating 
Blurring into the sky 



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