I woke up confused this morning. The radio was on. The neighbors were making noises. The wind was chatting with me. I was my usual self this morning: at 7:15am, all I wanted was to sleep for fifteen more minutes and then ten more. No, maybe I wanted to stay in bed for 20 more minutes, on top of those extra minutes.
I was "listening" (as one can imagine, I was only half awake) to NPR and the words were, if I am not mistaken, rape and trust. That really caught my attention. I immediately started thinking about that expression and on what they were talking about it.
I jumped in the shower, a bit sleepy and thinking about these words rape and trust. I could not help it, but associate that piece I had just listened to with some personal experiences. The damage one suffers when that happens is tremendously intense. If the episodes are a pattern, the damage is even more devastating. I even think that when it happens more than once, it is very difficult to trust again. I also think that it’s very important to the person who has suffered that kind of abuse to heal before starting any kind of new relationship. How does one heal, though? How does one become smarter when starting new relationships? And I mean any kind of relationship.
On Thursday evening, I was talking to a friend and he told me that he knows a person who has suffered that kind of abuse. Her trust has been raped, a few times. He also said thatthere was time when there was a possibility for her to break away from that, but she sabotaged herself and by not trusting her husband, she lost the possibility of a great relationship. The way I see it is: it’s like that old story that says we should keep the rotten fruit away from the good ones. If left together, the good and the bad, eventually, the good ones would turn bad. I think it’s the same with people.
He also told me she’s ok now. However, he told me she’s become a bitter person. She wakes up every morning without looking forward to living another day. I went home thinking about both of us. I don’t think I am bitter, even after everything I went through in the last few years. I don’t want to be bitter. I refuse to do that. I always want to have a smile on my face and faith that things are going to get better, that this journey is worth it.
I did make mistakes in my life, big ones. However, I do know that somewhere inside of me there’s still hope. I did open a Pandora’s Box when I decided to move to the United States. I did go through hell. Sometimes I look back and I ask myself: how did you manage? Then, I ponder and answer: you’re very strong. That’s how.
I am still strong and hopeful. I do feel lonely sometimes. I do look for meaning and new possibilities. I do sometimes trust people who don't deserve five minutes of my time. I do get impatient. I don’t know yet how to manage my anger. I do have a short temper. Nonetheless, I know how good it is to be me. How good it is to be.
I wish I could talk to that lady and let her know that life is much bigger than having our trust messed up with. I'd tell her: don't get me wrong, I’m not recovered still. Maybe I will never be. But no one is going to take away my smile and my love for life. It’s painful to be alive sometimes. That’s also part of the experience. It shouldn't be always that way. I know, I know. But that's part of it. I wish I could talk to her and say: hey, let’s go for a walk, hold my hand. At least, you can trust me.
To those who need to have faith in life, once again. To codependent people, who struggle to make decisions and sometimes don't trust themselves.
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