Value

In today's session with my new psychologist, we discussed my family upbringing and my relationship with my father. Or shall I say my lack of one? Even though it was very hard to tell her about these first few weeks that my dad's been in town and last night's events, I think at the end we finished the session very positively, focusing on the future. She asked me to pick one word that defined how I felt regarding my upbringing and I gave her the word worthless. I know that's why I related so well to The Elegance of The Hedgehog. I am the hedgehog. I feel like the concierge, even though I am not the concierge. 

The truth of the matter is: I grew up thinking I was never adequate or good enough. At school, I was the ugly duckling. At home, I was invisible; if not invisible I was treated like a messy girl who never did anything right. My childhood has scarred me in many unimaginable ways. I know my mom loved me and she didn't know better. Neither did my dad. But my dad should know better now and respect me for the great person I have bloomed to be. 

As I told my dad last night, I am not that scared little girl he threatened a few times. If he wants to be in my house, he has to respect and value me. Otherwise, I told him, he could just leave. And that's what he did. He left. Reluctantly and surprised I had the balls to do and say that. I won't go into details about what happened because I don't see a point into reliving everything. It is what it is and I am fine with that. My dad left the key at my house and I don't think he will come back. That obviously hurts me, but what can I do? Stick around and be a doormat? Not this time. I guess people do not change. Neither do I under their lenses.

But when I finished my session today, it came to me that one of my dear friends once told me one of the most beautiful things I ever heard about myself. He said something along the lines: I don't even know how it's possible that someone like you exists. He made me feel very special. I do know I posses some great qualities. I wish I could be better at valuing myself, though. That's the one thing I feel like it's missing. Valuing myself. Standing up to myself and not letting myself down. The ball is on my court now. I am 35. I am independent. I am a grown-up woman and I am in charge. 

I hope my friend is right about me. I hope my suffering is just a passage and not a result. I hope to become better. Little by little, I have been building a nest for myself. I have been learning. I haven't yet learned how to speak up when something bothers me. I guess I just assume some things are merely common sense. Transparent like dew drops. 

I left my session optimistic: my goals are realistic. I want to get married and I want a better professional opportunity. These are the two things I desire to invest my time and energy on. I also want to go back to dancing as soon as I can. 

As for my family, I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that we are not united and happy as I once have imagined we would be. But life is unpredictable and our dreams are often shattered. That's part of being alive. As someone once told me, we have to show people we love them while they are alive. After people die, it is unfortunately too late.