On a quest

I am on a personal quest.
I want to be able to know who I am. My identity. My likes and dislikes. I am on a quest to find myself. To create my own life based on my beliefs and principles. I am on a quest to find love. I am on a quest to be at peace with my solitude and my decisions. I am trying to create a home that represents me. My refuge that expresses what I am, what I like. Colors, textures, traces of me all over.
I see meaning on things. I create meaning for things. I want beauty and depth and intensity and truth.
Therapy helped last year.
I want a meaningful love. Uncommon, wholesome, love. Love that doesn't take advantage. Pure love. Crazy, passionate love.
Joseph Campbell explored the idea of quests on his "The Power of Myth". Love his work. His assessment of modern society and how lost we are.

If not you, then who?
Unimaginable right now to find the right one.
I see my mom on some of the things I do. Some of the things I am, were hers.

John Coltrane. A white sofa. A red wall. I fantasize.
I want a better world where people don't treat people like objects.
You died.
I was left behind. To see and continue experiencing existence. I wonder about when my time is going to come. I want to be cremated. I want a closed casket. People don't need to see me after life has gone. Let them think of me alive and happy.

I would love to travel to a Caribbean Island on my own and just be for a few days.
Go swimming and do nothing but eat and soak up the sun. Try to turn off my mind and just enjoy life.
Listen to music. Eat well. Read a good book and feel the sand under my feet. Let my hair dry after the ocean.

I want to be in love.