The Hummingbird's Heart

Sometimes I think of the lives I didn’t live. Like the life of a hummingbird whose heart can beat for over a thousand times a minute. Such a tiny body and yet, so full of energy and muscle power to travel around, with such mesmerizing grace and speed. Sometimes I also think about the life we didn’t have together. How I fool myself thinking it is ok. It is not ok to walk around with a broken heart. It is not ok to relive our brief moments together as if I were watching a movie—so many misunderstandings. I don’t know what hurts more: if the fact I don’t matter (to you) or the fact that you don’t get me. I can’t have my old life back. I can’t live this one either. I have been waiting for things to change, and it has all been in vain. I miss you when I don’t miss you. I think of you when I don’t think of you. My heart, whose power is not strong enough to beat a thousand times per minute, is tired. It is broken. And yet, it recognizes that its main purpose is to love you. It might not beat like the hummingbird’s elegant heart, it is heavier and broken, but it refuses to accept my command. It has a mind of its own. It is stubborn, scarred, a tiny blue heart—the one I carry within yours.

Photo by JM